Vulnerablity, inadequacy and truth telling

anaisninI often feel like I wait too long to show up in this space.

I feel like I teeter in between this place of wanting to be seen and wanting no one to see me.

Don’t we all?

Sometimes I think to myself, “who the hell wants to read my personal ramblings?” fallleaves

Fall feels as though she went through my spice cabinet and sprinkled herself with cumin, turmeric, cayenne and the like to warm the seasons coolness.

Driving into town last week I felt a twinge of grief in the air, knowing Fall would pass far too soon.

Life feels mixed grief, the lingering playfulness of yesterday’s dream, the crispness of the Autumn air and the comfort of weekend lovemaking.

gigi This past week we lost a dear matriarch, our Gigi. She died beautifully and lived beautifully.

We recently lost three chickens to these country woods.

Last week many women held space for National infant and pregnancy loss awareness day. So many of us have experienced this type of loss. I recently shared some heart-full thoughts on miscarriage in SQUAT Birth Journal. You can view the pdf of the magazine for free here.

lakeeden I spent a past weekend at the Southeast Wise Women Herbal Conference. Again, I came home early Saturday night, as the distance from family is too much for me and my crew.

I find myself unable to hold space for all the energy there. I like my safe cocoon of home.

There’s so much wisdom that I almost feel too full when I leave.

Yet, it unlocks more about me each time I go.

I spent nearly the entire Death and Dying class with goosebumps. Surprisingly, it was one of the classes I looked forward to the most. A little unknown fact about me is I am drawn to death and spend a decent amount of my reading time in books that highlight loss, and in thoughts that inspire presence because of inevitable loss. An interest in volunteering at Hospice has sat with me for while and this class concluded that I am being called to serve with and/or prepare for death.

Taking the intensive with Rosita Arvigo was a long held wish of mine. Here, I sat reminded of the incredible power of our wombs and inspired to expand my She Cycles course with more lushness of the uterus. And quite honestly, it inspired me to perhaps tell one of my truths of why I created the course in the first place. Something I’m quite unsure if I’m ready to tell.

I forest bathed, listened to the beautiful Aviva Romm talk about yoni’s, soaked up comfort in the stones class for empaths, listened to the sweet Emily Ruff talk Sacred Science, and absorbed Robin Rose Bennett’s humble talk on moon magic and women’s health.

sunrise I’m feeling a very personal loss myself in this phase of my life. A quiet almost unmentioned loss.

I am getting lost in the pages of my journal. Un-layering, unraveling, unearthing what is deeper than what I show.

I’m confused because I’m far more goofy and playful than my writings ever reveal.

I keep wondering when I am going to regain my social interest that seems to have vanished this past Winter.

I’ve been thinking much about how we take for granted what we have and want what we don’t have.

I’ve been watching synchronicity magic up my life lately, reminding me that I am uncovering the right path.

I am taking an internet consumption break. I dislike the disconnect of myself I feel when I hear too much of others.

I’ve been facing my own inadequacy lately. Watching where my worth is validated.

Vulnerability is such a tough and beautiful thing. A critical thing.

Life keeps calling me to tell you more of my truth. Truth I already know and truth I am discovering.

It’s scary.

caramelapplesWith vulnerability in mind and our desire as women to be seen and to not be seen, I am opening a virtual circle this Winter for those of us who want to explore this part of ourselves, to uncover the truths we keep hidden. So many of you have expressed the wish that my She Cycles course offered a deeper way of connection with me and the other women taking it. This circle and the expanding She Cycles will offer a bit of this connection. xx

With wishes to share a cup of hot cocoa with you,

falan sig

 

And for the sheer sake of it, a couple videos that share a bit of the recent soundtrack around our home.

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Transitions and a tribute to my body

luna

My current life began in August.

We bought our home, I stepped into a new pain of forgiving, and a week later my littlest quit breastfeeding.

In this moment, I want to step within a door that is now closed.

She didn’t nurse before bed for about a week and I danced around the sporadic tears that would show up when I thought about the closing of this part of me.

And then, she was upset one evening and asked to nurse. Grateful for this last chance, I sat on the edge of my bed, scooped her into my arms and nursed her knowing it was the very last time.

Her last time.

My last time.

She hugged my breasts goodbye (an unspoken knowing in her too) and I softly cried at the profoundness of the moment.

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Tears sting my eyes as I share this moment with you.

You see, I was 19 years old when I chose motherhood. Consciously chose to welcome life, and expand love, between the love of Josh and I.

I had no no no idea what that would mean for us, for me.

I didn’t know that it would be motherhood that would define me, shape me, make me.

A dozen years in and I have spent ALL of it pregnant, nursing or both. I have held babies and toddlers to my breast for 10 and half years total.

Five pregnancies. A bed birth, a water birth and a floor birth. Two miscarried births.

Hormonal havoc, oxytocin rushes, mama lioness, mama weakness, stretched belly, soft skinned breasts, blood, milk, tears, spirit, deep deep joy and deep deep blues.

For the first time in twelve and a half years I am not pregnant and I am not breastfeeding.

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As women, our breasts, our hands and our mouths are connected to our hearts and serve those we love.

My breasts may be done but I’ll always serve with my heart and hands.

With a part of me who thought I’d never want to be done with babies and with a part of me that now loves what this means for the relationship with myself and my husband, I am transitioning.

Behind the door lies a tremendous part of my identity. One I’ve always been greatly attached to and scared to distance myself from.

For this reason, it’s not easy to gather words to express this transition.

It’s fluid and natural and feels just so. It’s hung up in my heart waiting for me to fully celebrate, acknowledge and sweetly close the door on what has been the most important, profound and sincerest part of my life.

When all you got are words and you want to set your heart ablaze with your story, but it doesn’t seem enough…this is what I have in this moment.

xx,

falan sig

 

 

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Four (and more) ways to enjoy Fall

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The Autumnal Equinox is here and with that the season has turned to my favorite time of year.

I spent the morning outside, eating breakfast with the kids, drinking oatstraw tea, absorbing the cool morning air, listing the things we most look forward to during Fall and wishing I could bottle the essence of my joy up.

I wanted to share four things that can help you and I to fully enjoy this season (other than the obvious goodness in the photo above).

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Reflection. With Fall’s seasonal turn it’s the perfect time for reflection. This is the time of year to turn inward, slow down and reflect on our lives.

With the Equinox (for those enjoying the Vernal (Spring) Equinox too) nature is revealing a balance on this very magical day. Night and Day are balanced, and from this day forward our nights will become longer and longer until we reach the longest night of the year (the Winter Solstice).

Today’s balance of Mama Earth offers the space to reflect on balance in our own lives.

I don’t believe in balance in our masculine-driven-society-kind-of-way. But I certainly believe in the balance nature so beautifully reveals to us. The balance that each season gorgeously guides our lives through, ultimately making space for the seasons within us to be lived out.

Today is the day to take note of what in your life feels out of balance. Reflect on the last few months of Summer and set an intention of what you’d like to foster more of this Fall.

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Letting go. With all seasonal shifts, I believe it’s a time to release. To let go and make space for the new.

I like to physically burn something to symbolize this letting go, such as old journal pages, filled with sadness, confusion and longings I’m ready to dissolve. For those who believe burning your journal pages is naughty, you can journal a ‘letting go’ page in your journal to keep, or on a single page of paper so you can burn it alone.

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Nature. Each season offers us the cyclical magic of nature. With Fall, it’s time to welcome death to the parts of your life that need letting go, while you watch it reflected in Mother Nature’s letting go of leaves.

Open your windows each morning and feel the soft coolness of the earth that encourages you to soften and slow your life. Enjoy evening walks, hang a hammock, and take tons of hikes.

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Warmth. Break out the crochet blankets, draping them on the bed, a corner chair, the couch and a porch bench. Spend the cool evenings warming yourself with soups, roasted root veggies, decadent hot chocolate and hot tea.

Warm your body and your spirit.

Wishing you a beautiful Autumn. Please tell me, in the comments below, what beauty you’re looking forward to this season.

xx,

falan sig

 

 

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Let life unfold

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I get quiet in this space when there’s much going on and when I feel like there’s too much to say.

Oftentimes this is why I’m writing as I’m coming “out” of some sort of introversion.

We bought a home earlier this month after what felt like eons of seeking our homestead.

It’s been a uprooting of one rhythm to another and a pivotal moment in our lives that has shaken up what’s familiar & is giving us the courage to be honest with ourselves.

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Having been raised by a very logical mother and a very faithful father I feel both parts of these strongly in myself.

I trust the divineness of life, truly believe everything happens for a reason & have taken tons of leaps of faith, and, yet, sometimes I want to figure things out so badly and know exactly how things will look.

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But that steals the magic of life, does it not?

A few months ago I read The Not So Big Life.

As a lover of simplicity, I seek it and I sow it; however, I can crazy up the simple sometimes too.

This book presents something I live by on many levels, but that I wasn’t (and am not) fully living.

It’s this concept that we simply need to do just what is in front of us and life itself will present the next step.

The OCD tendencies (of mine) that have hung around since childhood have been watered down by the rain of life, but their seeds still want to sprout at times.

Sometimes for me it can be really hard to just need to know the next step. I often want a ten step plan that leads right to how I envision things.

But it feels like honey in my heart to give myself permission to only need to know the next step.

So I practice.

And I welcome you to too.

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Let’s trust in the beautiful unfolding of life that will happen no matter how we face it. Let’s not slice into this unfolding with the sharp edge of our pen and demand a step by step outline of exactness.

That’s boring.

Let’s trust that when we have an end in mind and we do each very thing that is in front of us, we will reach that end. Often times in ways we could never foresee, as life’s river flows freely when we stop trying to redirect its path.

With warmth,

falan sig

 

 

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Crazy days, New beginnings, Crying and Bookending your days with ritual

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We are energetic beings with an infinite capacity of spirit and a finite capacity of humanness.

Our lives can be only so full while we walk the earth.

How many times have I written of the threadbare line between the chaos and the beautiful of life?

It fascinates me.

Right now I am standing in the river that separates endings and beginnings.

Sometimes it feels every day, and even every moment, something ends and something begins.

And sometimes it’s so obvious that a long lasting part of life is ending and a new one is beginning.

Dreams are coming true in my life and I teeter back and forth between sheer thrill and practical tendings.

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This past year has been one hell of a year of healing for me. Astrologically it seems it was time.

Last June, a year ago, something happened in my life that broke off a piece of my heart that was barely holding on. Kind of like a rotting tooth that eventually caves in and crumbles.

Its been a year of forgiveness, of letting go and of releasing that came to an eruption this past winter.

And now it appears it’s my time for new beginnings.

I feel the zesty, spunky and playful side of myself emerging from the dark nights of my soul.

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But sometimes I feel like a skin of sensitivity.

I cry easily and often.

I cry a beautiful and truthful cry.

It wasn’t always this way. I’m certain I’ve always been sensitive; however, I lived a fair chunk of my life in control mode that kept tears mostly reserved for more serious situations.

But now I cry when my girls tackle the diving board, while I cut potatoes and listen to music that reminds me of when Josh and I first found love in each other, when I feel like life is too good too be real and too painful to bear.

I cry to release because I get overloaded. Even with a consciousness to keep life simple and meaningful, sometimes I get too full.

Two weeks ago tears were the only relief I could find.

I have found comfort in my ability to weep and tear and sob. Because tears are not meant to be stopped.

They release the excess you carry and wake you to the forgotten parts of yourself in this weathered world.

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So, the point I am making is life can be crazy. And absolutely beautiful.

The days can seep by as quickly as the earth soaks up the water after a hefty rain; leaving you feeling like a mix of drenched and heavy soil and as light as a rain dropped petal.

Crying helps.

And something else helps too.

Bookending (beginning and ending) your days with ritual and routine.

Why?

So that no matter what the day looks like in between, it began and ended with a nourishment and rhythm that was calm and beautiful.

Because the time before sleep and upon waking are close to a sacred realm we seem further from with the hustle of some days.

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Won’t you join me in beginning and ending your day with warmth?

How?

Create something to go by.

Be flexible.

Never ridged.

Never ever include your smartphone.

Use beautiful things.

Never include anything out of healthy obligation.

Some days don’t follow it.

ritual

This is the typical current rhythm you’d find me in as I start and close my day. I’m always tweaking pieces of it. Of course all mornings are coupled with the company of my children – telling me of their dreams, snuggling, making requests, & of course some nights are coupled with the company of my love (though most of my evening ritual happens after the whole house sleeps). And some days nearly all of it goes to shit.

Night night,

falan sig

 

 

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Super Special Birthday Freebie for my Readers!

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MARK YOUR CALENDERS: On July 28th, for 24 hours EST, I will be offering She Cycles, my ecourse on the menstrual cycle, FOR FREE to anyone on my mailing list!

Why? Because I love you, because I’m grateful you are here supporting my words by reading them. AND because it’s my birthday and I want to give back.

I also, very very sincerely, want this information to touch more and more women’s lives.

Sometimes we must do what our heart asks us to do.

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This will only be for those on my mailing list, which you can lovingly join in the purple box below.

At 12:01am EST on July 28th, I will mail out a coupon code that will wipe the price of the course out to zero. That’s an $84 birthday celebration coupon for you!

If you have taken my course and you have friends who you’d know would like it, OR you have friends who you think would like to take the course alongside you, I’d be honored if you would share a link to this blog post.

Jupiter has moved into Leo and I am pumped for new beginnings. My heart is full and I’d like to share the love. Hello to new menstrual cycle beginnings for you all :)

With love,

falan sig

 

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Full, pregnant and ripe with the untidiness of life

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I have been knee deep in life lately.

Full, pregnant and ripe with the untidiness of all that life is.

I have found myself distanced from this space, too plump to merge my thoughts into words to share.
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Life is simultaneously so brutal and beautiful, isn’t it?

Sometimes I feel like it’s like my dream life. At first look, things seem like a big ole mush of messiness, yet; with openness and reflection you see that something is there; revealing and merging, leading and urging.

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Life is full of endings and beginnings, and over and over again I find myself looking to the heart, the womb and the gut, sourcing these wisdom centers to find my way. And over and over again I find myself briefly lost in the weathered days. Exquisite joy, tears and tears, an aging face and an ageless heart.

That’s all for now.

With the warmest love,

falan sig

 

 

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The trouble with trying to figure things out.

maryoliverlake

I was chatting with Mama friends yesterday afternoon, and one Mama mentioned how she was “trying to figure it out.”

As in figure out what she was going through, and where she wanted to go next.

The desire to figure out our life is so alluring.

Gosh, do I want to figure things out.

I love to plan and prep, and contrive to figure out myself and this world within and around me.

I know control all too well.

Yet, my response to this friend was “maybe you don’t have to figure anything out.”

thelaurel

You see, our egos like to manipulate our lives by giving ourselves an illusion of control, so that we believe we have it all figured out.

This makes us feel safe, and settles our fears enough to feel like we are in control.

Of course our ego has a purpose; nonetheless, we must hush her sometimes to let our spirits lead.

I think we often forget the sacredness of ourselves. We shove down spirit, as if it’s more comfortable to perceive ourselves as slaves to our demands.

The problem with trying to figure it all out is that we forget that the soul exists. And when we forget that the soul exists we lose our attentiveness.

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It’s our attentiveness that reminds us of our soul, as Mary Oliver tells us.

When I think of attentiveness, my mind skips to the last couple days of my life.

The way my husband loved on me fiercely, lovingly and goofyingly, in the kitchen as we listened to this.

The watching of my kids running wildly down the hiking trail in the thundering, windy rain; my littlest wrapped in her bright pink towel.

The way he woke me in the early morning hours to make love.

The lush greenery that padded the winding mountain roads of our drive.

The late afternoon couch snuggling of my long legged, tired and content kids.

The feeling of the moist grass on my feet, as I snuck out late last night to peek at the full moon.

This very second, where my littlest came running in from outside and thrust her arm under my nose, because she knows how I love the smell of sunshine on her skin.

On an on and on it goes.

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It was attentiveness that nestled these moments in like those darling baby birds above.

These moments happened in the moments when I wasn’t trying to figure anything out.

These were the “strengthening throbs of amazement; the good sweet empathetic pings and swells” that remind me I am much more than I often see myself to be.

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We are surrounded by sacredness.

And, of course, life is a freaking mess sometimes.

And sometimes, nearly every time, there is nothing to figure out.

Sometimes, nearly every time, all we need to do is to let things happen vs. making things happen.

To do the very step that is in front of you, staying there until it’s done; then doing the next step that will so flawlessly unfold.

This is an awake life, where attentiveness continually reminds you that you too are much more than you often see yourself to be.

With love. Always with love,

falan sig

 

 

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Internet fasting (a week away from the webs) and 8 ideas for internet freedom

mandala

I just finished a 9 day break from the internet.

Last winter I took a break for nearly a month.

Sometimes I question our incestuous relationship with the online world.

This infinite, beautiful gift of the internet. It’s profound, to say the least.

Access to any and every thing - all moments, of every single day - peeks into others lives, the deep thoughts of strangers and friends, medical searches for every pinch, bump & ache, the ability to earn an income from your passion, the ease to share your moment with thousands of others while you’re still in that moment.

Sometimes I worry it never shuts up. The vastness of it, the connection of it, the capabilities of it. Always there. Always available. Always whispering to you that there’s something to check on. Sometimes screaming at you that there’s a priority/emergency to tend to.

It can be a sneaky little effer.

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With our inbox’s full of requests from others and all the social media pings and pongs, we are pushed like a mower through knee deep grass into the lives of others. I question how this affects the quality of our own life. How this sneaks the specialness from the person sitting within touch distance of you. How this interrupts the beauty of the moment because you are focused on capturing it on your iPhone and sharing it to social media.

Our society is no stranger to busying and distracting ourselves. But lying below this busyness, you are full of intuition/messages/clarity rising to the surface but never catching breath because we stay so busy and distracted.

You see, the interweb connection gives us a sense of high and importance. It allows us to idle away time to avoid feelings or to feel busy and accomplished. To procrastinate from dreams and doings.

I don’t believe it though.

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This gorgeous, messy, beautiful life is waiting for you to be more present it. To live it so fully you feel like your heart is fat.

We exist in one noisy, noisy world and we must set boundaries to let what really matters rise to the top of all the clutter we consume.

The internet is amazing, absolutely. But our life is more than that.

We must set boundaries so that the internet can be a tool; not a vortex that accompanies every moment of our day.

Here are 8 tips to set those boundaries. Pick one or two that feel like they could make the most difference for you, and try them out.

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Internet FastA day, a weekend, a week.  Look ahead and watch your schedule closely for a chance to disconnect for a chunk of time. Schedule it in. Put a vacation responder on your email. The space created when the noise dies down, and the urge to “just check something” settles, will be beautiful.

Important before email. Always get to what really matters to you before you go online. Never check your email first thing in morning. Avoid sleeping with your phone by your bed. Make your life more important than a request from someone else or the consumption of everyone’s ideas.

Check email one time a day. Do we really need to check our email more than one time a day. I try to think of it like the good ole fashion “snail mail”. It is a once-a-day delivery. Now there is always a chunk of emails waiting. There always will be. Let them wait ’til tomorrow.

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A second email for everything else. I have three email accounts. A personal email shared with friends. An email for falanstorm.com. And a third email that houses all my newletters/blogs/misc until I can get to them. I check my personal and website email regularly and save the other for when I have time, ideally once a week. I can’t recommend this enough. This works really well if you have an online business and don’t want to miss an order/email from someone – then you can just check that email only. So what if you miss something else. We will never have space to catch it all. Let it go. Miss it. Who cares, really?

No notifications on your phone. I believe people should have your phone number (to call or text) if they want to be able to ping your attention away from this moment in your life. Smartphones amaze me. You can ping the shit out of your life every time you get an email or someone posts something to social media. Turn them off. Check them in your time.

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Capture and share later. If you enjoy sharing pictures on social media, try snapping the picture and then waiting until later to share them. Avoid snapping it and then sharing the moment with everyone while you’re still having the moment.

Sacred Sundays. I treat Sunday’s as a sacred day. I don’t get online at all.

Off by a certain time. Set a time that the internet is inaccessible after a certain hour, making sure to give yourself some internet free space each day.

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You may be thinking, “there’s no way.” But, just maybe, there is. What would it be like to quiet the outside world enough that your inner world takes presidence over it all? We draw so many lines in the sand about what we think we can and can’t do. Maybe that line can be shifted?

I’m not perfect with this and you don’t have to be either. It’s about the awareness and mindfulness of how we are spending our lives. Just implementing one or two of these things can hugely shift how you feel about time/stress/busyness. Try one and go forth until your feel the expansiveness and presence of your moments uncluttered with the internet.

A virtual hug,

falan sig

 

 

 

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Three Secrets of your Menstrual Cycle

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It’s no secret that most women, in our society, are not so pleased with the fact that they menstruate.

But what is a secret, amongst the majority of women, is that our menstrual cycle has a much greater purpose than we give it.

As women, we will experience 350 to 500 menstrual cycles in our lifetime. These cycles are actually remarkable inner wisdom that can guide us through the seasons of our bodies, revealing much about our health and well being, emotionally and physically.

There are incredible amounts of wisdom in your menstrual cycle, unveiled through how you feel about your cycle and how you experience your cycle.

The following are just three of these revealers I wanted to share with you.

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Your menstrual cycle requests different rhythms. Each phase of your menstrual cycle is requesting a different rhythm from you. As women, we are not linear beings, who are meant to go, do, and act with vivacious energy all the time. As we move through the different phases of our menstrual cycle, governed by different hormones, we move through different energy levels, moods and needs. The first few days of your period is a time for rest and reflection. The first half of your cycle, the follicular phase, is typically a time for higher energy levels, revved up creativity and a greater sense of understanding of yourself and the world. The second half of your cycle, the luteal phase, is the time when we begin to move inward and withdraw from the world, craving quiet and reflection. PMS is often revealing your current truth (as you’ll read below), and once your period begins it’s time to rest, reflect and calibrate all that wisdom you just received from your premenstrual days.

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PMS is a revealer of truth. PMS can indeed be a bit overwhelming for many women. We often don’t recognize ourselves and feel like chaotic, unstable crazy ladies. Severe PMS may be a sign that you are hormonally or nutritionally imbalanced, and of course that needs to be addressed. However, more typical PMS is actually just a bit of wise in your life. Those few days of sensitivity, emotional diarrhea and confusion can actually be a wonderfully divulging time, letting you know just what needs to change in your life. It’s often the time where the suppressions of yourself are brought to the surface, urging you to rebalance your own truth.

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Your period is little death that creates new space for yourself. When your period begins each month, it is the time to shed the old and make space for the new.  Allowing yourself to rest during the first day or two of your period will allow your intuition to take over, and show you how you can transform that PMS driven wisdom directly in your life. This rest can reveal what action you’re ready to take, allowing the follicular phase to offer you the energy and inspiration needed to implement those changes; ultimately allowing your menstrual cycle to beautifully support the cycle of letting go and implementing new.

A tiny willingness to embrace a new way of seeing your cycle can have profound effects on how you feel about yourself and your body, how you connect with the wisdom being uncovered regularly, and how you begin to shift how you experience your cycle.

To dive deep into menstrual (mind, body, & spirit) health, you can always take the She Cycles Ecourse, created to help you find freedom in your menstrual cycle. This course is packed full of reveals about our cycles and has been rippling loving change in women’s lives, by jump starting amenorrheic cycles, uncovering the truth behind miserable cycles, fostering a true connection with women’s bodies and nature, and sharing all the truths about why we menstruate. Click here to learn more.

With warmth,

Falan 

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