I’m nearly, but not so, surprised by how my life and blog posts are mirroring the seasons lately. Soon I’ll be back to spunky self, but for now the tender-hearted part of myself is beating strong.
What seems like eons ago and yesterday all at the same time (and really about 2 weeks ago), the family passed around a tummy bug. I got it nearly last – as Mama’s do – after everyone else has been soothed back on the direction to health.
The tummy upset part of it came and went in a jiffy; yet, day after day I wasn’t feeling right. I was experiencing a host of symptoms that kept me from functioning smoothly, and none of them had anything to do with the tummy.
One morning I woke up totally off. I sat on the couch all morning, finishing a book, and come lunchtime things turned from yucky to worse. I soon found myself in bed, feeling quite overwhelmed, racing heartbeat, trembling, cold, clammy, and quite terrified. The honey came home and we made our way to the ER.
A seven hour ER stay resulted in a host of tests, a confused Dr, and a decided diagnosis of dehydration and intravascular depletion. I suppose this makes sense on some level, but on another makes none. If you knew how much water I drank you’d think a secret ocean lived inside of me.
Home to rest. Ah, rest. Quite definitely the hardest rest I’ve ever had. 3 days, and a continued consciousness as I heal, and almost none of it felt like rest. To say fear and anxiety had gripped my heart and raced my mind into overdrive would be entirely accurate.
On a loving note, my honey and kids care-took me with tremendous love that included hot cups of tea, foot rubs, back rubs, herbal heating pads, and a deep respect.
Tears, tears, tears, and his arms to hold me.
Fears I can’t share with anyone but him.
And deep lessons in the sacredness of this life and the death grip I still have on control.
This winter has been the deepest I’ve gone through. So much of me is crawling towards the warmth of Spring, knowing sunshine and wildflowers and bare feet will shift me; yet, I am so deep within that I nearly don’t feel ready for it (though a few minutes in the sunshine changes my mind in one heartbeat).
Heading out to a mandatory homeschool meeting last week that forced me from this healing hole, I caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror. It frightened me. The quality of my eyes were rather lifeless.
Each day I feel better; yet, still unsteady. Even writing about this feels premature, as the space and reflection hasn’t melted together into now and then.
However, I’ve gathered a host of things that have seen me through this bout of angst, and I’d like to share them with you.
Quite possibly you have a “soul flu” Soul flu was the diagnosis of my sweet dear sister-in-law and friend. She said Dr’s couldn’t diagnose it, so of course they would be confused : ) If I could write for hours and you could bare to stick around, I think you’d agree with this diagnosis. Most of us know our bodies and minds are interwoven in a respected and committed relationship, right? After my kids get sick they always seem to go through a growth spurt by body or brain. I’ll say this may be the case for me too. I’ve been spreading a lot of my energy on letting go lately and it seems my body was reflecting that release.
Chamomile tea and Nettle infusions The beautiful buttery chamomile and it’s powers to soothe, and the green and grounding nourishment of nettles. Alternate.
Bach Flower Remedy, Aspen (or Rescue Remedy) The gentle nourishment of Bach Flower Remedies
Music Music can stir the tears that need to come or stir the spirit of hope in you. About day three into this resting phase I walked into the kitchen to find my honey and my daughter making pancakes, with the common sound of music. For a few days the house had been silent of tune, as I rested. Immediately, it reminded me of the typical humming joy in our home and how far I was from my normal rhythm and center. Tears. A day later it was music that brought me a wave to my hips to reveal that I was moving toward that rhythm and center again.
Lavender essential oil, Rose water, etc. The smells of nature at your fingertips.
Forgive As we pulled out of the ER parking area, my mind still struck with fogginess and my body depleted, I softly began mouthing, “I forgive you” to someone. I spent a lot of time with forgiveness in those resting days.
Stillness vs. Movement Stillness was damn hard for me while resting; not because I don’t know how to be still or steady, but because it fed my anxiety. It gave me nothing to be busy with. It gave me space to fondle my fears. For two days I could hardly move I was so depleted, but with time movement began to soften the angst. Find your truth and give yourself what you need, whether that is stillness or movement.
Primal Scream Being a married mother has left me wondering why we don’t have designated spaces, as women, for primal screams. A space where you can reveal the wild in you that howls from your depth and calls out all your heartache to be received and held by Mama Earth. I put this one on here because I think it is needed, not because I have found that place yet. Although a pillow scream can offer a subtle and doable option. (This might be one of the reasons I love to give birth so very much – the wildness I seek in a primal scream floods you).
Tears Following the tummy bug and prior to the ER trip, one thing I noticed was my need to cry every time the symptoms came on. It was like an available weeping that was asking to be released. Communicating with that dear family friend mentioned above, I was sharing my need to cry and receiving the encouragement from her. The next morning I asked my honey to take the kids out for a bit so I could be freely broken. I spent time journaling, allowing the tears to softly appear but still feeling too much anxiety to feel a full release. However, knowing that tears release, heal and cleanse I waited for them.
Journaling A place to go when things need to be expressed from the deepest part of yourself. Write, release, shed, share.
Orgasm My Mom used to say it was the best medicine. Thanks Mom. Orgasm has a tremendous ability to dissolve every feeling not in alignment with goodness, so I certainly couldn’t leave it out of this list. Plus it gave my heart a reason to beat fast.
Aconite and other homeopathic remedies Nearly ten years of a loving relationship with homeopathy has shown me to not underestimate the support of these little white pellets.
Sunshine, Wind, Nature walks Going outside changes everything. End of story.
Bath or foot bath Submerging yourself (or your feet) in water gives you space to be held and warmed and relaxed. Add milk, herbs, essential oils, Epsom salts, and/or warm honey. And never forget the candlelight.
Back rubs and foot rubs My loves didn’t let me go without. The sheer offer was enough to help me relax. If you don’t have someone to grace you with their loving touch, do consider a massage.
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) I cannot lie that I kept overlooking this healing modality all these years. After moving to Asheville – a vortex of healing – I have to admit my mind got a little shut down to all the shenanagins. But in my very heart aching, body aching, mind aching, dark spot I tried this. Instant relief in the form of sobbing, fetal position, cold bathroom floor relief. This happened twice, both times leaving me insanely better off. It unleased the constipation of my tears.
Food intuition I was moving back and forth between huge hunger for protein and fats, and gentle needing of fruit. Trust the bodies wisdom.
Make each moment sacred Life’s curveballs certainly offer a chance to slow down. To create a presence. To slow motion the moments and bring a sense of sacred to what is normally overlooked. Find a way to make something beautiful before you. Add candlelight, make your tea with extra love, fluff your pillows, put a heating pad on your feet.
No internet mindlessness Do not numb or distract yourself from anxiety with the internet. Don’t do it. Bad idea.
Share with only those you fully trust and limit advice Share your struggles only with those that can hold the space for you, limit advice, and offer hope that you will make it through.
Downton Abbey I don’t own a T.V. and the only show I watch is Call the Midwife. I was encouraged to jump on the Downton Abbey train; however, I didn’t want another show to watch. But I commenced in my days of rest and made it through the first season in three days. I love. I love.
Yoga Over the years my relationship with yoga has changed, but I certainly can’t deny the ability of breath and simple movements to release what the body holds.
Talk Talk with someone you love and trust. Sometimes sharing can change how you see and feel what you are holding.
Nap It’s rather amazing how a short (or long) nap can transform what’s inside of you. Naps heal.
Tickle, snuggle, hug, and hold The touch of another warm body can take us from brain frenzy of thoughts to the groundingness of being inside yourself and sharing love.
1 thing at a time. Presence. This moment, as we all know, is what we have. It may be shutting down your heart and closing you off from the feel goods, but it’s now. Roll with the whoppings and take one day at a time.
Happy Video for smiles. I had little access to humor in this healing place I was in. And being someone who thrives off laughter, this was hard. This video made me smile
Thank you for being here. Please, if you have any suggestions of your own – to soothe anxiety and see yourself through – please share them in the comments below. I’ll sincerely appreciate it, and so may someone else reading them : )
With the warmest hug,